IUI is a bust

I tried to write more here but I was on my iPad at the time and it wasn't cooperating.

So yes, the IUI was a bust. I was so sure it would work. I don't see how it didn't. Even my Mom and Pete don't get it. And Mom is a major pessimist. I was so devastated. I cried for 2 days before picking myself up and dusting off. I surrounded myself with Pete, my besties, my puppies, and some good wine and food. That helped me get my perspective back.

I called the RE's office and left 3 messages in as many days! I kept waxing and waning about what we should do. The first message was saying IVF. The second was saying one more IUI. The third was saying definetly IVF if Dr. McLaren agreed. They were closed on Friday so the nurse got all 3 messages today. She said I made her giggle. I'm glad she was laughing with me and not at me.
She said Dr. McLaren thinks she should move forward with IVF. I am so glad she doesn't want us to keep doing IUIs. I think they are a waste of time and money. The only thing that sucks is that their next IVF cycle doesn't start until March.
OMG Dr. McLaren just called me herself! She reiterated that IVF will be our best option and that I should start birth control today. I'm already doing something proactive! My brain is going in 25 different directions and I can't focus enough to write anymore about this. Must go straighten out my brain...I'll post again when I have all this processed.

First IUI is in the books

Pete gave his best sample yet!!! Yay!! I had 3 good follies so I am just sure that his boys found at least one of them. I have never felt ovulation before but did I ever on Saturday. (The IUI was moved to Saturday, BTW) I was in Wal-Mart and nearly doubled over the cart. I guess when you have 3 follicles and a couple of smaller cysts rupturing, it makes more of an impact.

I was totally an emotional basket-case on Saturday. I cried all through the IUI (it did hurt a bit and I think that sparked the waterworks), I cried afterwards and all the way home. I guess I was thinking this was so anticlimatic and all the stress of the previous week and all the money we have spent may all be for nothing. But if it's not, it'll be worth every penny and emotional energy we've spent.

I am feeling very hopeful. There are so many success stories out there with far less sperm and follies that I am ignoring the dismal statistics. It's a crap shoot. It's either going to happen or it's not. The crash and burn will be worse if this doesn't work, but that's ok. It's Christmas and I'm gonna be happy and hopeful.

I'm ripe!!

So I have completed the Clomid. I have done the ultrasounds. We are a go for an IUI on Friday. I have 3 ripe follicles. 2 on the right ovary, one on the left. I can finally get excited about this process again.

There was a little hiccup on Monday as my lining was thin, thanks to the Clomid. Today it's better but not optimal. They still give me a "good shot" at getting pregnant. That is, if Pete's swimmers are up to the job. They better be.

There's nothing quite like having a cold ultrasound wand shoved in your va-j-j before breakfast. But it's neat to see what's growing inside. They asked if I have felt the "pelvic fullness" of carting around several follicles. Oh yeah! You betcha. Tights and leggings are my BFFs this week.

So tonight I give myself the trigger shot (if the damn nurse will ever call me back about what time to do it) and Friday I will spend percolating. A nice day of addressing Christmas cards from the couch sounds like a nice way to make a baby or two :)

The last few days of my 3rd decade of life.

I have been thinking alot lately, as I am about to turn 30, about how I spent my 20s. I went to college, became a nurse, married a pretty damn good guy, went to grad school and became a nurse practitioner, stopped taking birth controls and began the road to getting pregnant. Well it's a whole year later since the latter has occured. And I'm still not pregnant.

As I look back, I have had a hell of a third decade. I partied my ass off with my best girlfriends in college. I learned as many vaulable life lessons with them as I did in my classes, maybe even more. I really grew into my own shoes when I became a nurse. I had to grow a lot of balls to make it as a new nurse in a level 1 trauma emergency department. I learned to not be scared to speak up and be heard. That carried on and grew into a healthy ego and self assertiveness (I had to be to be in the same room as Pete!) as Pete's and my relationship grew stronger and deeper. We got married and have been pretty blissful since. One of my besties and I embarked upon grad school together. We got through it while working, planning a wedding, and being newly weds. We had a big celebration on the day of our graduation, which just happened to also be my 29th birthday. A few weeks later I ditched the pill and started this insane process.

So now it's been a year. The entire last year of my third decade has been consumed with trying to get pregnant. The first few months weren't that discouraging as I knew it might take us a while. I still secretly hoped it would happen much sooner than later. The middle months were more frustrating. I learned my body and my cycles, and used tests and thermometers to time things accordingly. The first part of the last few months is when I realized that something might be wrong. I know they say can take perfectly healthy couples a year to conceive, but for us, I knew better. And sure, enough, I was right. As I look back, I wish I could have been nicer to myself. I wish I could have figured out how not to stress so much about this. Everytime I got my period, I would cry and sob and feel like I was losing something. Once I knew not to be so optimistic, it became easier.

I have been happy for so many friends as they announce their pregnancies. I have been ecstatic as they announce the births of their babies. I then have also secretly cried into Pete's arms. Not our of jealousy, but more feeling left behind. As if I don't deserve to have the same happiness that they do.

As I wrap up these last few days in my 20s, I am moving on to some pretty exciting things. We will begin fertility treatments in the coming days and weeks. I will hopefully no longer have to wait through another forever long follicular phase. Hopefully, the first year of my 4th decade will be much more productive in the baby making department than this last year in my 3rd :)

Well, well

The (hopefully) last forever long follicular phase has now ended and marked with a beautiful, smiling, +OPK. I usually ovulate on the day of said :), BUT I think my body acctually waited an extra day until Pete was off work and at home. Nothing like breaking all traffic laws to get to my sperm donor (that's what he calls himself, ha!) only to try and act casual as we discuss the repair of our spetic tank that occured earlier in the day. Now that's some serious foreplay/pillow talk. Now we wait to see if this one last hail mary will Doug Flutie us into becoming parents. If it doesn't, there is always next cycle, which will be drastically shortened by Clomid and a turkey baster. Happy Thanksgiving!!!

That dreaded HSG

Man, did that suck. I had psyched myself up for this all last week. I told myself it was nothing, that I had a muscle relaxer and ibuprofen to get me through it. I totally distracted myself all weekend. I walked on gloriously beautiful nature trails with my dogs. I went shopping. I got a bikini wax (I told my esthetician that I wanted to scrap the brazilian. I was going to have a lot of people looking at virginia and I needed her to look warm and maternal. She needed to give off the vibe that she will make a wonderful starter home for our babies. So we decided on a partial brazilian. Clean enough to satisfy me, but not enough to qualify me for a Hugh Hefner spread; no pun intended). I drank wine and made dinner with friends. I told them all about our fertility plans and they listened with open ears, hearts and mouths. Gaping mouths. Pete and I went to a Halloween party and I drank warm, yummy cider. I wasn't even nervous Monday morning. I went into work and distracted myself with my patients. It wasn't until after I ate lunch that I got nervous.
I took a muscle relaxer and the recomended ibuprofen and in the car we went. The fertility clinic gave me the paperwork and told me to head to third floor radiology; they would be expecting me. They call my name and escort me to a holding room, complete with locked rooms for changing and storing belongings. I change into the most fashionable gowns I could find and waited. I hear someone explaining the procedure to someone...I hear "since it's your first day...."
FIRST DAY??? WHAT???!!! I am not about to have some newbie stick this catheter into my uterus on her first day!!! The tech finally comes to get me and after I announce that I heard that entire explanation to said newbie, she assured me that the experienced, well trained OB fellow will be doing the procedure, not the newbie.
I walked into the room and there is the experienced, well trained OB fellow. I know her! She did an ER rotation when I worked there as a nurse. She was very nice and assured me that she would be as fast as possible. I was feeling better.
I won't get into details but let's just say that is not something I want to do again. It was painful and it burned. But it was fast. And my tubes are clear. They didn't see any polyps. This is, of course, just the preliminary report, but I saw the test for myself. There was dye that spilled out of both my tubes and my uterus didn't have any funny spots that I could see. It is tilted to the left, however. My right tube has to reach awfully far compared to the left tube! I hope I don't ovulate out of the right very much b/c if I do, those swimmers have a ways to go. So next up is the follow-up appt so we get this show on the road! I love to have a plan!!

So My CD 3 labs came back and they are normal...YAY!! My estradiol is nice and low, which they said is good for stimulating my ovaries with medicine. I wonder how many little eggies I will produce. I hope just enough to give me babies! One will be quite enough, thank you. But....if I get 2 then I will be pleased as punch (as long as one is a girl :)) Now I just have to get through the dreaded HSG on Monday. After that, a follow-up appointment and then we wait for this cycle to wrap up so the show can begin! Yipee!!! Happy Halloween!!!

The Consultation

So the big day is here. I wake up thinking it's Christmas morning and Santa is coming at 1:00 and he is bringing babies!!! Well, at least the plan to get them. Just have to get through the morning. Ok, check. Now it's 11:30. Choke down a salad. Gulp, I am getting nervous. And nauseated. I race home to get Pete.
We enter The Kirkiln Clinic. Picture a huge, 6 story building with an atrium in the middle. There are clinics everywhere, with their waiting areas separated only by the chairs facing a slightly different direction, perhaps towards their respective reception desks. They are nice enough to put us infertiles down a hallway tucked in a corner. Even the chairs face away from the lost patients, looking for their doctors and late for their appointments. We sign in and sit down. There is a young couple there, as well as a hispanic couple. An attractive lady that looks 40-ish stands by the window making calls. A nurse walks up and asks our last name. She is looking for the man who "is having problems in my happy room". Pete then informs me this is also where the "jerk-off lab" is located. Poor guy.
We are called back. We sit in a room. We wait. A resident comes in, very nice, and asks questions about our history. I show her my Fertility Friend BBT charts. She is impressed with my organization. She leaves. We wait. I feel light headed and nauseated. Pete trys to read to me interesting tidbits out of some mundane magazine but I can't hear him. I try to read an article myself. I'm sure those words mean something, the way they are positioned next to each other but I can't decipher them or their meaning. I can only watch as the seconds tick by slowly, painfully.
30 minutes later, Dr. McLaren comes in. She's from Pennsylvania, so no southern graciousness here. She's very serious but she is nice. And empathetic. She talks to me first and investigates my long, irregular cycles. She is going to test me for PCOS. She wants to inject dye into my uterus and into my tubes to make sure they aren't blocked. Swell. She asks Pete if he has ever fathered a child. He hesitates half a second before saying "no" so I know he was contemplating making a joke but then thought better. She then drops the bomb. The reason why we are here. She gives us "our options", which are as follows:
1. IUI. I go on Clomid and they squirt the swimmers, squeaky clean from a bath, into my uterus and pray one of them finds an egg. I get to monitor myself with my temperatures and OPKs. It's cheap; only $300-500 bucks. With Pete's numbers, the 5-10% chance of knocking me up is slim.
2. IVF. Way more monitoring and a "minor" surgical procedure to suck out my eggs. 45% chance of working. And shots. Lots of shots. But much cheaper than we thought. They say they are the cheapest in the southeast. Only $7-9K, not including meds.
I am trying to ask questions, as is Pete. My questions aren't very organized and I am asking them as they occur to me. Dr. McLaren is nice and I can tell she really wants to knock me up.
We decide to think about it, although we think we will try IUI at least once, to say we tried it. If that fails, we will do IVF. We stand and I am weak. I have a headache. I slowly navigate my way out of the room. I see all the "success stories", aka the walls of baby pictures. I quickly scan them and check out the baby announcement competition. I have my work cut out for me.
I walk to the front and they announce, rather loudly, for me to call them when I get my period. There is blood work to be drawn 3 days after it comes. I get the IVF price sheet and drop off my co-pay. My cheap-ass insurance company is so nice to pay for this first visit.
We stagger out to the parking deck. Pete says he feels good about it and I do too, although I was too overwhelmed to know it at the time. We get in the car and head where, you ask? To the f-ing DMV. My tags are expired and I need to get them renewed. What a day, huh??
We survive the DMV and head to Whole Foods. It's becoming a ritual for us to come here when important fertility milestones occur.
This was surely one of them, and I needed a drink. Maybe two.

2nd swim meet

6 million/ml, 25% motility. Urologist said it's not impossible for us to conceive on our own but our chances will be greatly improved with assistance...well no shit!!! I really like the idea that it's not impossible. Maybe one day, after we already have our first child, we will be able to get PG on our own without trying. This experience has taught me that I will never be going back on birth control!!! The money I could have saved!!!

A call from "the" clinic

The RE clinic, that is. You know, the clinic where the big girls go to play. They returned my call and explained what to expect for the first appointment. It sounds exactly what I was hoping for. Pete goes in for his second swimteam analysis on Friday and then next Wednesday is the appointment. The nurse explained that they would look at his results, take a complete history from me, draw my blood and maybe do an ultrasound of my ovaries. Once I tell them how lazy they are, I imagine they'll want to take a look. They will also tell us what they think our best course of action is. I wonder how much waiting there will be between this appointment and actual fertility procedures. I am hoping his numbers are high enough for IUI, I wouldn't want to jump straight to IVF unless they really think that's the best bet. And if they do, we will manage :)

Hope is a person's greatest treasure

That's what my fortune cookie from last night said. I thought it was pretty profound as I got a smiley face on my OPK on Saturday. I know not to hope too much for a pregnancy this month given the odds, but I felt comforted when I read it (I held it in my hand the whole way home!).

But why shouldn't I hope? Without hope, what is there? What's really left? I mean isn't that why we are going through this? That at the end of the road we get what we are hoping for? If it really only takes one stubborn swimmer, then maybe it can still work. Maybe Pete was just having a bad day in the "jerk-off lab". I hope that's possible. I hope that this is our month. I hope we will be the miracle story about the couple who conceived with such odds against us. Why shouldn't I?

Maybe my little fortune is trying to tell me that I can be hopeful about this cycle. Maybe it's telling me to not give up, that it can and will happen. Maybe I'll pee on a stick the morning of my RE appt. Maybe it will be positive. I will be 11 DPO, afterall. Maybe I could call them and announce that I won't be needing their services after all because I'm pregnant. Afterall, I can only hope........

Well that didn't last!

I'm back to peeing on OPKs and temping. But I'm ok with it all; I 'm really much better. I plan to stop once I get a positive OPK. I want to be normal again! Right now I am looking forward to a nice football weekend with the hubbs and good friends!

My oh my again!

Am I feeling good today, or what??! I decided to take a break from TTC. IDK how long it will last but I know that I didn't take my temp this morning and I don't plan to pee on an OPK this afternoon and it feels great! Pete and I had a long conversation last night (well, I did. He's a man of few words.) and we decided that taking a break will be good for me. It may only be for today (i'm such an information junkie that I doubt it will last more than 1 day) but it feels nice to not be in control of controlling things that I couldn't control anyways, no matter how hard I tried. Ideally, I would like for us to have casual sex, every 2-3 days, and then occasionally take my temperature to see if I have ovulated. I figure that our first RE appt is 2 weeks from today so I really would like to have a small break before all the serious TTC stuff happens. It's like a mini vacay!

My oh my

I think that I have somehow managed to deal with all this stress pretty well....until now. I can't find any other explanation for why I am so exhausted and why my body is all of a sudden not agreeing with me. I suppose I could be coming down with a virus but it would usually hit me with it's full blown viral load by now. My hands even feel heavy as I type this. I took a "mental health day" yesterday. I faked a GI bug to stay home and watch tv in my pjs. I didn't even tell my husband the real reason my stomach was so upset. It was upset, but not from a GI bug, it was purely stress catching up to me. I was too embarrased to tell him.
My family said to me about a month ago that they thought I was putting too much pressure on myself to get pregnant. I never saw it that way; I just thought I was being proactive and covering my bases. Maybe they are right?
I feel like such a weakling succumbing to this!! I feel like I should be stronger and not let life hold me down under its thumb. I feel guilty.

This is now the 2nd time I have edited this. I came home early from work and on my way home I realized how right I am about stressing too much. Examples:
1. Try not to get upset about this in front of Pete. Don't want him to feel guilty or responsible for his swimmers.
2. I got up at 4:30 to pee but never really went back to sleep. Why didn't I take my temp when I got up the first time? How accurate is my 6:30 temp? The room was really cold/hot when I woke up. Does that matter?
3. I can't have anything to drink for 4 hours so I can pee on my OPK when I get home. What time exactly did I last go to the bathroom? I really have to go now but I can't for another 1.5 hours. Do you really think I have to wait the whole 4 hours? Yes, bc if you don't then this will be for nothing.
4. Why haven't I gotten a positive OPK? Did I not exercise enough? Have I been eating too many carbs?
5. I'm really tired and I need to go to sleep but we need to "do the deed" tonight b/c Pete has to work tomorrow (works 24 hour shifts). Should I prop my hips up on a pillow? How long do I need to lie here? Have I been lying down long enough?

Something clearly has to give. IDK what it's going to be yet, but it's either going to be the OPKs or the thermometer. It just might be both.

Did I really just do that???

Oh my goodness, I really just made an appointment with an RE. I feel like such a big girl. I feel like I am the senior walking down the hall throwing weak spermies and thermometers against their lockers. I know my OB said if the 2nd SA came back abnormally that she would refer us and we haven't exactly had that test yet.....but I am only being a prepared girl scout. And I solemnly swear that if the 2nd count is more than 5 million I will cancel and wait the full "year of trying".
Yeah right.

So the MD I work with is having a post coital test today. She too is looking at IUI and IVF but I think it's more because she's 41 and they have been trying for about a year. She's had the HSG and endo bx. I am really curious if they will make me go through all the testing since we know what the problem is. I imagine at least the HSG so they know what kind of shape my tubes are in. I think this is probably wishful thinking that I won't have to endure anything else!

I think I am gearing up to ovulate. Pete and I are giving this one last honest effort on our own. Now, granted if his second swim team analysis scores a medal (I am considering anything above 5 million/ml qualifies for a bronze) we will be trying the old fashion way until our year of trying is officially over. It's so hard to know what to wish for! Do I wish the team gets a gold medal (over 20 million/ml)?? Sure. But if it's going to improve, it better do so exponentially and not just enough to not get us into the RE until January. Part of me hopes that it stays shitty so we can get started with ART this fall and not next winter/spring. Is that wrong? I don't think so. I'm an inpatient girl who's late for a very important pregnancy.

The second SA is in 16 days. Oh what to do to pass the time.... what to do?

Just found 2 new blogs today to follow. Both, of course, fertility related. One of the girls is in the same boat as me, process wise, and the other is now on maternity leave after IVF. Such an inspiration to read. It's so nice to know that other people blog this experience and I am not being some crazy, irrational and dramatic mess. One blog in particular really spoke to me. It's as if every thought she had in the TTC process is one that I have had myself. I almost feel as if someone has wrapped a warm blanket around me, fresh out of the dryer. It's nice to know I'm not alone, even if only connected in the virtual world.
I will end this with some humor; completely stolen from the blogger that I now know hung the fertility blogging moon :)

10 things people say to the infertile couple:

10. Just relax and you will get pregnant: Mmm...true. Stressing out does not improve anything but all the tequila and vacations in the world will not improve my husband's sperm count.

9. I know someone who tried for years and years to get pregnant, adopted and BAM all of a sudden she had a natural pregnancy: Of course you know someone. So does my hairdresser and my cleaning lady's ex-husband's cousin. And no, she didn't BAM all of a sudden get pregnant because you told me she tried for years and years. Maybe she was cool with conceiving at the age of 39, but I'm not.

8. Ugh it sucked we got pregnant the first month. We didn't even get to try. giggle giggle. You didn't even get to try? What happened? Did your husband's penis fall off after you conceived? You can't DO IT when you're preggo? Maybe you should have used a condom if you wanted time trying.

7. OMG I am getting fat. Yup, that's what happens when you get pregnant. You want pity...from me??

6. Being pregnant sucks. You're so lucky. I would kill for a glass of wine. You wanna know what sucks? Spending $11,000 to inject myself daily, harvest my eggs and then hope to God one takes when I put it back it in because that is the only way I will become a Mom. Man, am I lucky I can get drunk though!

5. I know he has a low count but it only takes one sperm! Actually, no, we need millions to do it the old fashion way. We even need millions for insemination.

4. Did you try charting your ovulation? My neighbor's sister tried for 12 months and then used ovulation test sticks and conceived the first month. 1. Your neighbor's sister is obviously dumb. 2. Do you really think I am about to blow $11,000 on the most complicated fertility procedure that exists and not even know if I ovulate?

3. Just wait until you have kids and you'll see. It's not as fun as it seems. They're so much work. Hold the phone! Cancel the cycle! I had no idea kids required patience and hard work. Yuck! What was I thinking!

2. I don't know about all those fertility treatments. Are you sure? You're just going to end up like 6 kids. Yes, I am going to be just like octomom. F-ing idiot.

1. Oh well, just think. If it doesn't work, you can just do it again. You bet. Next time we'll use your visa, ok?

Thank you to Mama2Be. I hope you don't mind that I copied this. It's too good and too true not to share.

Stars aligned? Not so much

Not only did that pesky monthly vistor showed her ugly face, Pete's swim team analysis is less than optimal. My OB/GYN didn't fall out on the floor and tell me it wasn't going to happen for us when she saw the results, but she wasn't overly optimistic. She says we have a chance to conceive on our own but it's a small one. So....Pete will have another test done in October and if it's the same or worse, we will be referred to a fertility clinic. Dr. Hoover told me that they can "work with these numbers" and that insemination would likely be the first route.

So now we wait. I'm not very good at this part to I am finding ways to distract myself :)

A different look

on the swimteam appointment. I got a smiley face (+ ovulation predictor test) the day after the canceled appointment!!! So after a few days of thinking, I realized this just might have been some divine intervention. If Petey had gone the day before to drop off the boys, there wouldn't have been as many saved up the next day, the day I got the smiley face. And, the day the appintment was rescheduled for just happens to be the day that I can safely take a pregnancy test, if my period doesn't show. Plus!!! Jessica delivered her beautiful baby girl, Lila, on the day I got the smiley face. I know she has been praying a lot for us. So I am thinking the stars just might be aligned for us this time around. I certainly hope so :)

disappointed

Pete's swimteam meeting at the doctor was moved to 9/15/10 due to some sort of "family emergency" in the office. Don't these people understand that this constitutes an emergency on our end? This is serious! I still don't see why he has to see an MD that specializes in male infertility right off the bat. We don't even know if he is infertile! It makes more sense in my world (where everything makes sense) to have the team analyzed and then if there is an issue, he can then do see that Dr. But I didn't make the rules and they didn't ask my opinion when they did so....grant me the patience to accept the things I cannot change...................

A little apprehensive....

about starting a blog but I do want to chronicle this journey. I have recently aquired some hobbies to distract me from this wait and one of them is reading. Currently Jimmy Buffett's "A Pirate Looks at Fifty" has inspired some life reflection so I thought I would parlay these feelings into words.

My husband and I began our quest for "human puppies" in Feb 2010. I thought it might take us a while to get pregnant since I had always remembered irregular cycles pre-birth control and Pete only has half of a swim team, thanks to an unwelcome cancer scare last summer. But I have several friends that have gotten pregnant immediately, even after being on birth control 10+ years as I had been. So I was hopeful that maybe we would get lucky.

I won't go into gory details, but needless to say, the body can be tricky to figure out. I had no idea when I was ovulating. I thought I did as certain signs of ovulation would present themselves. I therefore presumed an estimated "fertile window". Being new and quite niave to this process, I made several trips to various retailers and purchased home pregnancy tests (always sure to conduct business with my left hand so leering eyes would know I was married and it was appropriate for me to be making these purchases. Why this matters to me, I do not know).
All the tests were negative, even taken several days apart and after I thought a period should have already reared its ugly face.

A few months of this went by and I thought "What is going on? Why am I ovulating but my luteal phase (time of the cycle after ovulation) is so irregular? Is this normal???"

Enter Google. I exhausted the seach engine. My computer would sigh every time I opened it's browser. I called my OB/GYN's nurse. I exhausted her and her voicemail. She dutifully relayed my messages to my MD. She wanted to put me on medicine to force a period. They didn't think I was ovulating. They also told me to start taking my temperature. I thought this was a bunch of hocus pocus. I knew I was ovulating.

As a nurse practitioner, I have just enough medical knowledge to be scary. But I also know when to let the experts do their job. So I compromised with them, only they weren't aware of their concessions. Convinced I was ovulating, I didn't take the medicine but I agreed to taking my temperature. I am a scientist and I love a good data collecting project. Boy am I glad I did! It proved my theory.

Enter my Germanic organization, which I get from my mother. I found a website that allows me to enter my temperature into an electronic graph. A little dot is displayed for every day. It even comes with analysis. My little baby-wanting heart sings! So, all in all, I am ovulating, just not as often as I should be.

It's now the end of August and we have been at this for 7 months. People tell me to be patient. They tell me to relax. They tell me "it" will happen when it's supposed to happen. They tell me everything that I don't want to hear. Never tell someone trying to conceive a child any of these things. It's destructive and hurtful to hear those things, especially from people who have no idea what this journey is like.

I knew conception might take us a while but I never knew it was going to be so emotionally taxing. I have never been on a bigger emotional rollercoatster in my life. My mother has been my saving grace throughout all of this. She listens to me jump for joy, listens to me cry and matches her emotions to mine in a show of support. Now don't get me wrong, Pete is also very supportive and always lets me vent, but ultimately, he is a dear in headlights. And no, I did not misspell dear.

Pete is being quite a trooper and has agreed to allow the swim team to be analyzed. His appointment is in 4 days. While I know we are only working with half a team, I am hoping that their best time will qualify them for a higher level of competition than the Special Olympics offers.

Part of me almost wishes that the Special Olympics is their only option. Why would I wish this, you ask??? The worst news for an impatient, take charge kind of girl to hear is something along the lines of "Well, the team is ok. It's not great, but not bad enough for us to warrant any intervention. Just keep trying a little longer and come back in x months if you haven't yet knocked up your wife".

I go see my doctor on 9/17. I am hoping she will put me on Clomid to kick my lazy ovaries into gear. We want babies and we want them now!

Sorry this post is a bit long. It is the first one and I always feel a little background history is in order. Stay tuned and thanks for joining my rollercoaster.