I think that I have somehow managed to deal with all this stress pretty well....until now. I can't find any other explanation for why I am so exhausted and why my body is all of a sudden not agreeing with me. I suppose I could be coming down with a virus but it would usually hit me with it's full blown viral load by now. My hands even feel heavy as I type this. I took a "mental health day" yesterday. I faked a GI bug to stay home and watch tv in my pjs. I didn't even tell my husband the real reason my stomach was so upset. It was upset, but not from a GI bug, it was purely stress catching up to me. I was too embarrased to tell him.
My family said to me about a month ago that they thought I was putting too much pressure on myself to get pregnant. I never saw it that way; I just thought I was being proactive and covering my bases. Maybe they are right?
I feel like such a weakling succumbing to this!! I feel like I should be stronger and not let life hold me down under its thumb. I feel guilty.
This is now the 2nd time I have edited this. I came home early from work and on my way home I realized how right I am about stressing too much. Examples:
1. Try not to get upset about this in front of Pete. Don't want him to feel guilty or responsible for his swimmers.
2. I got up at 4:30 to pee but never really went back to sleep. Why didn't I take my temp when I got up the first time? How accurate is my 6:30 temp? The room was really cold/hot when I woke up. Does that matter?
3. I can't have anything to drink for 4 hours so I can pee on my OPK when I get home. What time exactly did I last go to the bathroom? I really have to go now but I can't for another 1.5 hours. Do you really think I have to wait the whole 4 hours? Yes, bc if you don't then this will be for nothing.
4. Why haven't I gotten a positive OPK? Did I not exercise enough? Have I been eating too many carbs?
5. I'm really tired and I need to go to sleep but we need to "do the deed" tonight b/c Pete has to work tomorrow (works 24 hour shifts). Should I prop my hips up on a pillow? How long do I need to lie here? Have I been lying down long enough?
Something clearly has to give. IDK what it's going to be yet, but it's either going to be the OPKs or the thermometer. It just might be both.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
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oooh I have so been there! Sex is a chore and you are analysing OPK's like it's your day job at the CIA. I hope your Dh gets better results on his second test. My Dh had fluctations (highest was 11 ml and lowest was 800,000). As you know we ended up doing IVF with ICSI. Upon finding out we were pregnant we asked the RE what his numbers were on the day of retrieval and they were 14mill/ml..the highest we had ever had. Go figure.
ReplyDeleteSex can be such a chore when it's on demand - that is the one aspect where I am actually happy we were benched (not able to try) because sex was fun again. You are stressed. I feel your pain. I find myself exhausted constantly but then not tired at night so I've been forcing myself to the gym to further exhaust myself. I get the not wanting Pete to feel guilty but at the same time this is real and it is happening and men deal differently with stress then women. You might feel better if you let him in on your feelings. This is an issue that you two have, not that he has on his own. Perhaps communicating that message will help. Best of luck getting out of your funk. Try to be kind to yourself and don't expect perfection.
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