I'm so bored

I am incredibly boring right now. I want some action! I feel like IVF is forever away. I sooo long to be pregnant and it seems like it's so far away. I'll have these moments where I feel that I'll be one of those that goes on for years without having a baby. I don't know why I feel that way. It's a feeling of complete unattainability (is that a word??). I had that feeling yesterday while driving home from work. Maybe because everything is so grey and cold and barren looking? I think about actually being hugely pregnant and I just can't visualize it. I feel like that is something that is not meant for me. I had a dream last night about the IVF working but then I went on to have a miscarriage. And that's another thing. Once I get pregnant (if it happens) how will I keep from constantly wondering and worrying about the baby? Is that the introduction to parenthood?
My Dad once told me that he was never truly happy once he had kids. He didn't want me to take it the way I did (umm...what kid would take that as anything but rude and insulting???). He tried to explain that once you have kids, you are always worried about them and that prevents true happiness. My mother, of course, laughed at the ridiculousness of his statement and claimed it to be untrue (God love her).
My grandfather always said to never wish your life away, but I would gladly speed ahead by 30 days or so. Sorry, grandpa.

Something cool

Two things, really. I got a blogging award! Thanks Team Baby !!!!

The other cool thing: I went to Sips and Strokes with my friend Stacy, who lost her baby boy Conner, at the sweet, tender age of 4 months to SIDS. The name of the painting is Child of Heaven. I painted Hope on her dress because that is the one emotion that I truly believe sustains all of us trying to have a baby. I am going to put her in a big gold frame and hang it in a nursery to look at as a reminder of how far we went to get a baby. It will also symbolize all those who are still trying and who have lost a child or had a miscarriage. Also, it will serve as a reminder to not get frustrated at 3 am with a crying baby! Many women would be willing to trade places with my sleep deprived ass!

I have looked at her quite a bit lately, as I have endured 3 pregnancy announcements from friends in the last week. Yes, that's right, 3. And I am throwing a baby shower for another pregnant friend this weekend. That will make 3 showers in a year that I have thrown. Yes, that's right, 3. I keep assuming karma will kick in soon!

Part of the rules for getting a blog award is that I have to post 7 things about myself. Hmm...

1. I drive a Honda, which I love, but will be happy to get something bigger that will fit car seats.

2. I am trying to lose some much needed-to-be-lost weight. The stress of TTC has gotten to my waistline as well!

3. I am PUMPED about going to Mobile for mardi gras in 5 weeks.

4. My 3 dogs are my children and I love them very much.

5. I love big hair.

6. I have a wicked, dry sense of humor.

7. The male ego never ceases to amaze me.

We have a plan!

Sort of. We had our IVF consultation yesterday and they gave us some tenative dates. I'll stay on bcp for now and then start the shots around March 4th. I'll have 1 sometimes 2 shots everyday for almost a month! Holy crap that's a lot! Good thing I'm not afraid of needles and Pete is really good at giving shots. They also detailed the sedation I'll get for the egg retreival. Sounds like some good stuff! Plus I think I get some xanax for beforehand. This might not turn out to be so bad afterall :)
March seems like a light year away right now. I am trying to take this time for myself. I am trying to lose some lbs, find some hobbies, do some not too distant traveling and relax. I feel some depression creeping in and I am trying to shoo it away. The weather is so dreary and that's not helping things. I busied myself yesterday by calling fertility pharmacies to price the meds. I think we're going to be able to get a good deal on some of them and one is even covered by insurance. Woo hoo! Thanks VIVA for paying for at least something. So know we wait......

Today is a bad day

For 2 of my fertility friends. They both thought they had babies on the way. Turns out that's not the plan. I am devestated for them. I am scared for myself. I am mad at how cruel life can be. How could this happen? I know life isn't always fair but this is down right mean. Shame on you, life.

First BCP is down the gullett.

I cannot believe that after a year of curing birth control pills and vowing to never take them again, I acctually swallowed my first of many last night. It's been over a year since I threw them away for good, or so I thought. But all of my hormones have to be completely suppressed in order for the stimulation meds to do their job. I think my ovaries will be the size of basketballs by the time this is all said and done. And then it should turn into a nice little baby bump :)

IUI is a bust

I tried to write more here but I was on my iPad at the time and it wasn't cooperating.

So yes, the IUI was a bust. I was so sure it would work. I don't see how it didn't. Even my Mom and Pete don't get it. And Mom is a major pessimist. I was so devastated. I cried for 2 days before picking myself up and dusting off. I surrounded myself with Pete, my besties, my puppies, and some good wine and food. That helped me get my perspective back.

I called the RE's office and left 3 messages in as many days! I kept waxing and waning about what we should do. The first message was saying IVF. The second was saying one more IUI. The third was saying definetly IVF if Dr. McLaren agreed. They were closed on Friday so the nurse got all 3 messages today. She said I made her giggle. I'm glad she was laughing with me and not at me.
She said Dr. McLaren thinks she should move forward with IVF. I am so glad she doesn't want us to keep doing IUIs. I think they are a waste of time and money. The only thing that sucks is that their next IVF cycle doesn't start until March.
OMG Dr. McLaren just called me herself! She reiterated that IVF will be our best option and that I should start birth control today. I'm already doing something proactive! My brain is going in 25 different directions and I can't focus enough to write anymore about this. Must go straighten out my brain...I'll post again when I have all this processed.

First IUI is in the books

Pete gave his best sample yet!!! Yay!! I had 3 good follies so I am just sure that his boys found at least one of them. I have never felt ovulation before but did I ever on Saturday. (The IUI was moved to Saturday, BTW) I was in Wal-Mart and nearly doubled over the cart. I guess when you have 3 follicles and a couple of smaller cysts rupturing, it makes more of an impact.

I was totally an emotional basket-case on Saturday. I cried all through the IUI (it did hurt a bit and I think that sparked the waterworks), I cried afterwards and all the way home. I guess I was thinking this was so anticlimatic and all the stress of the previous week and all the money we have spent may all be for nothing. But if it's not, it'll be worth every penny and emotional energy we've spent.

I am feeling very hopeful. There are so many success stories out there with far less sperm and follies that I am ignoring the dismal statistics. It's a crap shoot. It's either going to happen or it's not. The crash and burn will be worse if this doesn't work, but that's ok. It's Christmas and I'm gonna be happy and hopeful.