We have a plan!

Sort of. We had our IVF consultation yesterday and they gave us some tenative dates. I'll stay on bcp for now and then start the shots around March 4th. I'll have 1 sometimes 2 shots everyday for almost a month! Holy crap that's a lot! Good thing I'm not afraid of needles and Pete is really good at giving shots. They also detailed the sedation I'll get for the egg retreival. Sounds like some good stuff! Plus I think I get some xanax for beforehand. This might not turn out to be so bad afterall :)
March seems like a light year away right now. I am trying to take this time for myself. I am trying to lose some lbs, find some hobbies, do some not too distant traveling and relax. I feel some depression creeping in and I am trying to shoo it away. The weather is so dreary and that's not helping things. I busied myself yesterday by calling fertility pharmacies to price the meds. I think we're going to be able to get a good deal on some of them and one is even covered by insurance. Woo hoo! Thanks VIVA for paying for at least something. So know we wait......

Today is a bad day

For 2 of my fertility friends. They both thought they had babies on the way. Turns out that's not the plan. I am devestated for them. I am scared for myself. I am mad at how cruel life can be. How could this happen? I know life isn't always fair but this is down right mean. Shame on you, life.

First BCP is down the gullett.

I cannot believe that after a year of curing birth control pills and vowing to never take them again, I acctually swallowed my first of many last night. It's been over a year since I threw them away for good, or so I thought. But all of my hormones have to be completely suppressed in order for the stimulation meds to do their job. I think my ovaries will be the size of basketballs by the time this is all said and done. And then it should turn into a nice little baby bump :)

IUI is a bust

I tried to write more here but I was on my iPad at the time and it wasn't cooperating.

So yes, the IUI was a bust. I was so sure it would work. I don't see how it didn't. Even my Mom and Pete don't get it. And Mom is a major pessimist. I was so devastated. I cried for 2 days before picking myself up and dusting off. I surrounded myself with Pete, my besties, my puppies, and some good wine and food. That helped me get my perspective back.

I called the RE's office and left 3 messages in as many days! I kept waxing and waning about what we should do. The first message was saying IVF. The second was saying one more IUI. The third was saying definetly IVF if Dr. McLaren agreed. They were closed on Friday so the nurse got all 3 messages today. She said I made her giggle. I'm glad she was laughing with me and not at me.
She said Dr. McLaren thinks she should move forward with IVF. I am so glad she doesn't want us to keep doing IUIs. I think they are a waste of time and money. The only thing that sucks is that their next IVF cycle doesn't start until March.
OMG Dr. McLaren just called me herself! She reiterated that IVF will be our best option and that I should start birth control today. I'm already doing something proactive! My brain is going in 25 different directions and I can't focus enough to write anymore about this. Must go straighten out my brain...I'll post again when I have all this processed.

First IUI is in the books

Pete gave his best sample yet!!! Yay!! I had 3 good follies so I am just sure that his boys found at least one of them. I have never felt ovulation before but did I ever on Saturday. (The IUI was moved to Saturday, BTW) I was in Wal-Mart and nearly doubled over the cart. I guess when you have 3 follicles and a couple of smaller cysts rupturing, it makes more of an impact.

I was totally an emotional basket-case on Saturday. I cried all through the IUI (it did hurt a bit and I think that sparked the waterworks), I cried afterwards and all the way home. I guess I was thinking this was so anticlimatic and all the stress of the previous week and all the money we have spent may all be for nothing. But if it's not, it'll be worth every penny and emotional energy we've spent.

I am feeling very hopeful. There are so many success stories out there with far less sperm and follies that I am ignoring the dismal statistics. It's a crap shoot. It's either going to happen or it's not. The crash and burn will be worse if this doesn't work, but that's ok. It's Christmas and I'm gonna be happy and hopeful.

I'm ripe!!

So I have completed the Clomid. I have done the ultrasounds. We are a go for an IUI on Friday. I have 3 ripe follicles. 2 on the right ovary, one on the left. I can finally get excited about this process again.

There was a little hiccup on Monday as my lining was thin, thanks to the Clomid. Today it's better but not optimal. They still give me a "good shot" at getting pregnant. That is, if Pete's swimmers are up to the job. They better be.

There's nothing quite like having a cold ultrasound wand shoved in your va-j-j before breakfast. But it's neat to see what's growing inside. They asked if I have felt the "pelvic fullness" of carting around several follicles. Oh yeah! You betcha. Tights and leggings are my BFFs this week.

So tonight I give myself the trigger shot (if the damn nurse will ever call me back about what time to do it) and Friday I will spend percolating. A nice day of addressing Christmas cards from the couch sounds like a nice way to make a baby or two :)

The last few days of my 3rd decade of life.

I have been thinking alot lately, as I am about to turn 30, about how I spent my 20s. I went to college, became a nurse, married a pretty damn good guy, went to grad school and became a nurse practitioner, stopped taking birth controls and began the road to getting pregnant. Well it's a whole year later since the latter has occured. And I'm still not pregnant.

As I look back, I have had a hell of a third decade. I partied my ass off with my best girlfriends in college. I learned as many vaulable life lessons with them as I did in my classes, maybe even more. I really grew into my own shoes when I became a nurse. I had to grow a lot of balls to make it as a new nurse in a level 1 trauma emergency department. I learned to not be scared to speak up and be heard. That carried on and grew into a healthy ego and self assertiveness (I had to be to be in the same room as Pete!) as Pete's and my relationship grew stronger and deeper. We got married and have been pretty blissful since. One of my besties and I embarked upon grad school together. We got through it while working, planning a wedding, and being newly weds. We had a big celebration on the day of our graduation, which just happened to also be my 29th birthday. A few weeks later I ditched the pill and started this insane process.

So now it's been a year. The entire last year of my third decade has been consumed with trying to get pregnant. The first few months weren't that discouraging as I knew it might take us a while. I still secretly hoped it would happen much sooner than later. The middle months were more frustrating. I learned my body and my cycles, and used tests and thermometers to time things accordingly. The first part of the last few months is when I realized that something might be wrong. I know they say can take perfectly healthy couples a year to conceive, but for us, I knew better. And sure, enough, I was right. As I look back, I wish I could have been nicer to myself. I wish I could have figured out how not to stress so much about this. Everytime I got my period, I would cry and sob and feel like I was losing something. Once I knew not to be so optimistic, it became easier.

I have been happy for so many friends as they announce their pregnancies. I have been ecstatic as they announce the births of their babies. I then have also secretly cried into Pete's arms. Not our of jealousy, but more feeling left behind. As if I don't deserve to have the same happiness that they do.

As I wrap up these last few days in my 20s, I am moving on to some pretty exciting things. We will begin fertility treatments in the coming days and weeks. I will hopefully no longer have to wait through another forever long follicular phase. Hopefully, the first year of my 4th decade will be much more productive in the baby making department than this last year in my 3rd :)